Store Speed Anxiety Regulator

Worried about your store speed? Just need to see the numbers get bigger?

Loading site...
Evaluating site...
Reticulating splines...
Quietly judging you...
Makin’ up some bullshit...

Your Score: 110/100

Oh, wow! Great job!

Feel better? Now go do something worthwhile with your time.

Fuck Google PageSpeed

We're sick of watching PageSpeed scores needlessly torment otherwise succesful entreprenuers. PageSpeed simply isn't a good metric of real-world website speed.

You’re in good company. Here are a few businesses definitely more succesful than yours that have failing grades from PageSpeed:

URLMobile ScoreDesktop Score
This page6798

Scores tested September 17th, 2020.

Rule of thumb: If your homepage is less than 5 MB and loads in less than 3 seconds that’s great. You’re done with this. According to a study of 5 million web pages, “total page weight is the #1 determinant of Fully Loaded page speed. Light pages fully load 486% faster than large pages.”

There are bigger fish to fry in your business where you can see more return on your money and energy instead of worrying about PageSpeed. Surveying your customers, writing an email welcome series, or collaborating with other brands & influencers will all be higher ROI activities than wringing your hands while refreshing PageSpeed.

Try not to make yourself crazy,
—Kurt & Paul